you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
