I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
the liver wants what the liver wants
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
