Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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