Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
