I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
