i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My cat gives me a boner
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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