and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
