gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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