If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
