There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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