Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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