We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
