I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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