Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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