i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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