i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
