Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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