3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if you like me you must not know who I am
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
