We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
