I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
