his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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