College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You are a genius and a whore.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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