i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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