Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm like, not good at living.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
