I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
