its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
