Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We need a shit load of segways right now
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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