girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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