I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
