WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You ruined the universe
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
