6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
