1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
