apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you would pick up someone in the library
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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