I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
