last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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