Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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