My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
