Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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