so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
