so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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