I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
