Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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