Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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