normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
