Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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