So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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