Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
