Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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