Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
