im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
