ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I had to cum in my sink.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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