get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
