I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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