Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
