Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
is it fun? or sober?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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