She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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