How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
