I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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